Friday, July 16, 2010

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

I know you do not know me. In fact you might not even know I exist. I know you were probably young and not ready to have me, but shit happens. I happened, and my mother kept me. I am 27 years old and every one of those years I have wondered about you. Did you ever wonder if I was alive? Did you ever wonder if my mother kept me? Sometimes I wonder what you are like. Sometimes I wonder if I have siblings. If I had siblings I do not know how I would feel about it. My sister is the only sibling I want and need. She's amazing and I love her. When I was younger I always held out hope that somehow you would find your way into my life. I have a step father, and he is a waste of space.

I have never once called someone dad in my life because I technically never had one. It is awkward to tell people that you do not know a parent, and then expect them to think you're still normal. When I think about it, not having a parent seems really traumatizing and just all out sad. I feel like I should have gotten an MTV reality show or something out of this lol. All I got was this t-shirt, just kidding! I always really wanted to be able to call someone dad. I will never have that opportunity.

Without you, I grew a whole mess of male issues. I trust the wrong men because I want acceptance. The only man I can truly say who has always been there for me and loved me unconditionally is my grandfather. He was the closest thing to a father that I'll ever have.  My grandfather was amazing, I think he knew that I needed a positive role model and he stepped up and was a friend. I need that. My grandparents took your place because you couldn't be a real man and step up when you found out.

I'm going to be 28 this year and it seems pretty surreal to think that I will never ever know who my father was. I wish I could say that by now it really just does not matter, but I do not think I will ever be able to say that. I know I will always wonder and I will always take it personally. I take rejection to heart because you taught me rejection before I was even born. I grew up with the sick need to do things perfectly or be too afraid to do them. They say that you are who you are because of what you have been through. I cannot say that not having a father did anything positive, its just given me issues I have had to deal with my entire life. The things I have been through that have effected me positively had nothing to do with your absence.


P.S. You totally missed out, I was like the cutest kid ever!
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