Monday, February 15, 2010

Not knowing my father...

When I was younger, I use to use not knowing my father as an excuse to be sad, angry or unwanted. The truth is I have no idea how to feel about it as an adult. My mother was 19 when she got pregnant and had me a month after she turned 20 years old. I'm not even sure if my father knew I existed, or was going to exist. My mother told me that my father told her he didn't want a child, and sent her off with money to get an abortion. I don't know if I believe this. My mother has fought tooth and nail with me, so she wouldn't have to tell me who he is.

I've always been angry at my mother because of this, but I'm starting to realize she was 19 years old and could have easily taken the easy way out. She didn't, I'm here, I'm thankful. My mother and I have never been super close and that makes me really sad, it's been tough for me especially in my adulthood. We try and we have made a relationship but it's still growing. I feel like there is just always something holding us back. There are so many things she doesn't know about me because I just don't feel comfortable talking to her. My grandmother on the other hand has always been there for me and has always been someone I can talk to. She knows everything about me. I love that I have someone I can trust. It does make me sad though that my mother isn't a person I can tell things. My sister, whose 9 years younger is a great girl and we're getting closer with each year that goes by. I'm also close with my grandfather who was a replacement father to put it best. He took me to concerts and taught me to be open to different things in life. We had a lot of fun. So really did I miss out by not having a father? I don't know if I did. 

From time to time, especially when having issues with men, I start to think about the what if's and what could have beens, if I'd known my father. I also have a horrible angry streak that forces me to feel like he owes me, and I shouldn't be in all the debt I'm in because he should have been a father and helped pay for it. But who am I kidding, I don't even know if this guy knows I'm alive. If he does, he's a coward. I can't imagine not wanting to know your own child. I don't know if I'll ever be at peace with the situation, because it's pretty confusing. Whenever I see those shows where people find their long lost family members, I honestly am envious. Even to just know what he looks like, what he does for a living, if he has a family, all of that might be fulfilling to know. But then I don't know if I'd be able to only know so much and then leave it alone. Life is full of so many unknowns, this might be the biggest one I've ever struggled with. It's a lifelong struggle. 

Some of the littlest things that you need a dad for, I won't have one there for. I won't have a father to walk me down the aisle, but I really think I'd love for my grandparents to do it. If I look back I can honestly say that no real moments passed me by that having a father could have made better.
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